the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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