the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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