Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Enjoy the penises
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
