If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
