fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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