My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
