I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
