just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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