get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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