I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
