this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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