She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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