I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
