The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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