I cannot find my penis.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
