The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
