Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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