How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
