I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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