did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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