Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
