Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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