Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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