M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
