im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
