Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You smell like stripper and shame
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im calling her cock vulture from now on
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
