You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
