remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
