just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
