So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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