took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
