i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
