We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
