She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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