Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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