Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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