i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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