pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got inside last night via doggy door
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
