I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
