i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
