she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
how does that bad decision feel?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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