I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
