i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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