i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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