can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
