i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize