did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i was born a porn star she said
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
