I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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