Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
