dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
