I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
