I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its about making memories worth repressing
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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