I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
