Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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