he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He shit in the fireplace
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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