Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
