just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
